Bridging the gap

I'm so excited to be blogging again for the first time in about 3 weeks! As most of you can relate, life got crazy. 


Working on med school applications on top of a full time job, networking with people through JVC, being part of a community (which entails about the same commitment as being married), and trying to find time for myself has made September feel like the blink of an eye. Some days I leave the house before 8 and don't get back until after 10. It's like college never ended. That being said, our main concern at this time is avoiding burnout. 

 As stressful as it can get, my job brings me so much joy. Working with my clients has caused me to become increasingly more frustrated with our economy, big business, and money in general (as if everyone isn't already). One of my clients is in the process of getting disability, but in the mean time can't pay rent or bills. Out of the 20+ resources I've looked up and called to see if any of them could provide rent or utility assistance, all have been short on funds. It saddens me greatly that these  organizations trying to provide services for those in dire need are shutting down programs because they're short on funding; all the while the NFL referees are going on strike because they want more money for watching a game. Anyway, this isn't a vent session, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

 Working as a medical assistant has opened so many opportunities to help people in the most unexpected ways. During basic check-ups, I've encountered a homeless patient who I was able to connect with our case management services; another patient at high risk of a stroke refused to go to the emergency room because she was behind on bills and couldn't afford to miss work. The doctor's response: "Well honey, you can miss work forever because you're dead, or you can miss work for a day." (and he said that in the most loving way, I promise). Fortunately, we could refer her to our case management services so she could get help with her bills. I am continually humbled that I am in a position to "bridge the gap" between the under served and those with the resources to help them. It has given me the capacity to love, understand, and care for others beyond my comprehension. It's something I will carry with me if I become a doctor, and help me to serve my patients with an understanding of their perspective, and with more tools to help them. 

This past week at the clinic has been one of the most interesting this month. For starters, I watched a pap smear...with no preparation for what I was walking into. One of the physician assistants peeked her head out of the exam room door, and since I was the lucky soul standing nearby: "Heidi- could you assist me really quick?" so I gave my usual response to any task asked of me at the clinic: "ABSOLUTELY!" This was not the kind of task that you give that kind of answer for, but I was blind-sighted. She just needed me to hold the light so she could see what she was doing- but that was a situation I was literally thrown into that I wasn't prepared for in any way. I was with a complete stranger who was in a vulnerable state, and I was expected to be professional, cool, calm, and collected, as if it were an every day occurrence. Believe it or not, I am grateful for that experience. I had no choice but to act as if I see this all the time (which someday if I become a doctor I probably will). It put me out of my comfort zone, but forced me to adapt immediately; and that, is what the medical field is all about...not to mention life in general. 

That's basically how it goes down at the clinic- you never know what to expect from one day to the next. Luckily I work with an amazing staff of people who already consider me "an old hat around the clinic." I feel as though I've been working there for years.

Other than work- community life has been wonderfully chaotic. We've been networking a lot. One night we had the Jesuit provincial over to our house for dinner, as well as a volunteer group called the Alumni Service Corps (which is similar to JVC).

We also had the chance to network with some teach for America Volunteers. TFA volunteers work in some of the most broken down public school systems throughout the country. While both of our causes are for social justice, it was interesting to see how our lifestyles are vastly different. Teach for America Volunteers, recieve a teacher's salary. In my opinion, for a single 20-something fresh out of college in our economy, that's gold. It was an odd feeling at first trying to socialize and relate to people out of the "JVC culture." I don't consider us to truly be categorized in the lower class, because we aren't living anywhere near poverty, and we're doing this by choice, but we're used to living and working in the same neighborhoods as our clients, not to mention the people we usually hang out with are Jesuits, nuns, and JVC support families (I fear I won't know how to act around people my age when I'm out of the JVC bubble). When I was standing in their modern, tastefully decorated apartment, I felt out of place. I forgot there was a such thing as matching furniture and stainless steel kitchens. I don't condemn having these things, but I feel like I got a taste of what the gap looks like from the other side. It was as if I were seeing through the eyes of someone else. Right now, with the view I have, I wouldn't mind living in the "swamp house" for the rest of my life; as long as I get to be involved in what God is doing. I feel like I'm living Paul's words in Philippians 4: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

We also had dinner with the Sisters of Charity again. It has been such a blessing to share a meal with these ladies. They are always full of stories, pizazz, and love.They're a group of nuns who live in community, and they remind me a lot of the intentional community I lived in when I was in college. They have this ability to have fun at any moment and live each day like there's reason to celebrate. I aspire to always live my life with as much joy, celebration, and love as they do.

Looking back on all these experiences- I've noticed a recurring theme- I am bridging the gap between those who have and those who have not. This theme is imperative not only to what I'm doing right now, but what I'll eventually be doing if I become a doctor. In order to serve my patients I need to bridge the gap of trust and understanding that has been created in the medical field. And I know I don't stand alone as a bridge. I'm talking about the researchers studying pathways of illnesses to bridge the gap between science and healing. Case managers who bridge the gap between structural violence and hope. To the teachers who bridge the gap between students and their future. Sure bridges get walked on, but there is no comparison to how much more we gain being a bridge.

You've probably heard enough for now, and I have a date with my roommates and a chick flick.

Rejoice,
Heidi

Thankful for a simple week

What a week! But then again, It seems every week I get to Sunday, think that thought, and then wonder, "What even made it so crazy?"

Our community had our first "electricity fast" this week. During electricity fasts, we try to go the whole day without using electricty (however since we did it on a weekday this time, we obviously used it while we were at work). Here's how it went: I woke up, and then- EPIC FAIL. As though it were any other day, half-asleep I climbed down from my spot on the top-bunk, went into the bathroom, flipped on the light, went about my routine, made coffee, flipped on the dining room light, and started reading my daily devotion; until Chris walked into the dining room- "Good morning Heidi! The light is on.." He said matter of factly. I stared at him for a moment, wondering why he was stating this clearly obvious fact- "Oh shoot!" I scrambled for the light, and then the coffee pot, stopping those evil flowing electrons right in their tracks. Lucklily, I was better about remembering for the rest of the day, but my point is how it's so crazy that using electricity has become so second nature to me I literally didn't even think about what I was doing. I didn't think twice about being able to turn a light on so I could see what I looked like before I left the house, or conveniently make coffee when I woke up. On top of that we still had working phones, clocks, etc. in case of anything. We still had the prilege of knowing what time it was so we could be on time for work, our refrigerator still worked so we didn't have to worry about our food going bad, and we had comfort in knowing that when we woke up the next morning, we would be flipping lights on and using the microwave all over again. Later that night my community ate a "simple meal" of beans and rice, (so that we wouldn't actually have to use the fridge) and by about 8:00 p.m. we weren't sure what to do with ourselves other than go to bed; despite that we did stay up and talk in the dark for a while. That ended up being one of the highlights of my week. We chattered about our days, about the upcoming week, we laughed together, and we even sat in the dark silence, simply enjoying each other's presence. The more I strip myself of material things and conveniences, the more I find I really don't need some of them. In fact, that I really don't want some of them.
That day I also couldn't help but to think about my client who just had her utilities shut off. Completely. All of them. Sure, keeping the lights off in my own house isn't helping her, but it helped me to understand what she's dealing with, (on a much smaller scale of course) and feel her frustration. I think that in some way that's how God works too- I find that after I've been through some sort of storm, God brings me to someone experiencing something of the same nature, (or vice versa) because only then, after we've been through something ourselves and have been brought through it by God, can we possibly understand what another person is going through, or how to help them. "God comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too." -2 Co 1 3-5 (The Message).

At the clinic this week I had the opportunity to sit in on a lecture with the therapists I work with about psychoanalysis. The speaker lectured on how mental barriers of some of our clients stop them from "cooperating" with healthcare personell. She stressed the importance of having the ability to simply understand that these barriers exist, and not to think of the clients as "uncooperative" but as in need of help getting over this barrier before any of their other problems can be taken care of. The point I'm getting at is that I had a moment where I was just sitting there in awe of the fact that as a hopeful aspiring doctor, I got to be part of this lecture. It's so incredibly important for anyone who wants to go into the medical field to be able to understand the mental health and socieconomic status of their patients in order to really understand how to help them. Once again, another reason why KC Free is the definition of treating the whole person.

After being in JVC for almost a month, I've told everyone I've talked to how incredibly grateful I am for this experience- and every time, I am taken aback by their response "Well we're really grateful that you've given up a year of your life to do this." I was talking to my roommate Allie about this, and she hit the nail right on the head by saying, "We haven't given up anything." It's so true. I've gained so much from this experience already. Not only am I noticing more of the little joys in life, but it's the little things that bring me the greatest joy- like sitting on the front porch with a warm bowl of homemade vegetable soup listening to the rain fall, riding my bike to work, cooking from scratch, sitting in the dark with my community, the smell of candles, sunflowers in mason jars on our dining room table. I've had the chance to focus completely on what really matters and what's most important through experiencing the hardships of others. I've gained more relationships, friendships, community, family, support etc. in one month than I know how to handle, and I get to do what God has given me the passion to do. I've been more thankful with less than I have ever been in my life.

Thanks for listening!
Rejoice,
Heidi

Religion and Spirituality

Something that has been tugging at me, ever since I started JVC, is this whole idea of "religion and spirituality." It is something I have always avoided. I don't mean I've avoided them altogether, I just avoided putting them together. It's funny though, how God usually corners me when I try to avoid things.
Since I've joined JVC, I've been asked countless times if I'm catholic. My responses: "Er, well, kind of." "I was, but not really anymore." "Well I'm a christian." "Well I have a relationship with Jesus." For those of you who don't know all about my "spiritual journey" (and I promise this will be short and vague) I grew up in the catholic church until about 6th grade. Up to that point, I understood God as a distant ruler that I had to listen to if I wanted to go to heaven. I had to pray the rosary this many times, I had to memorize the Our Father, I had to go to church on Sundays, I had to make my First Holy Communion, and I had to be Catholic, because that was how I was going to get to heaven. Needless to say, starting high school, I had a sour taste in my mouth about the whole idea of "religion."  I then started going to more of a "protestant" type church (mind you, I hate labels, but for the sake of explanation, I'm using them). I made some really great friends my freshman year who were part of a really great youth group, and throughout the rest of my time in high school, I grew closer to God, and learned that this whole thing is about knowing and following Jesus Christ. I realized I wanted God to be part of my every day and everything. I wanted Him in my music, in my running, in my school work, family, etc. I got baptized again as an act of obedience and of my commitment to God and following him with my life, and it's been an amazing journey since then.
In the meantime, I'd been able to avoid the religion question, and I still had this sour taste in my mouth about Catholicism. When I joined JVC, I had no idea how catholic it really was; I just knew that I identified with the four values (spirituality, community, simple living, and social justice) and I figured most people would identify with me in those important ways. In the couple months I've been in JVC, I'm learning that my idea of Catholicism was very skewed. I thought it was too religous, too routine, too traditional, too conservative, and I thought that it didn't focus on knowing God and following Jesus with our lives. Boy was I wrong. Most of the Catholics I've met in JVC are very intimate with God, and have a very intimate understanding of the bible. The Jesuits and nuns are very progressive (and awesome) and they are out loving people and doing the work of Jesus and spreading his word. They have played a huge part in my new understanding of the Catholic faith, and I'm so thankful for their involvement in my life and my Kansas City community. Father Jim Collins, a senior Jesuit who spoke at our JVC orientation, told us that it is good to be able to take spirituality and religion apart, but we should also be able to put it back together. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the second part, but for now, I'm learning that the Catholic Church is a place where I can meet with God. It is a place where I can sing to Him, pray, hear His word, grow closer to Him, and be in community. It is a place filled with amazing people, broken people, confused people, weak, strong, and all of the above ragamuffin people who are just like me, working for God's kingdom. There are still things I don't understand about the Catholic Church, questions I still have to ask, and things I disagree with until I get more answers. For now, my response to the religion question will still probably be "I just follow Jesus." Or somewhere along the lines of that- but that's only because life, (at least mine anyway) doesn't have simple yes or no answers. It doesn't come in a pretty square box neatly wrapped with a bow. It looks more like if I were to try to wrap a fishing pole with a blindfold on.
"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge; nor be hasty and miss the way." Proverbs 19:2

Having life to the full

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed with them by oath." -Deuteronomy 4:29-31

Something I think is easy to forget to do, is to reflect back on where God was in my day. Sure there are times when it comes easily, and He so clearly reveals himself, but there are also instances where it seems like He stands back in silence, waiting to see if I'll realize what just happened. Monday was one of the times where it was easiest. I had a great day at the clinic (as usual). I've gotten to know one of the volunteer doctors pretty well. He's quite a character and extremely attentive to his patients (he even recruited me to sing happy birthday with him to one of his patients). He knows I want to go into the medical field so he's always welcoming me to observe exams, teaching me things, or calling me over to see what a patient with an extreme case of osteoporosis looks like. This week he showed me how to do a diabetic foot exam, (tests the nerves in the feet) so I got to do that on one of the patients (I know it doesn't sound glamorous, but for someone who wants to go into the medical field getting to be a doctor's sidekick is pretty much the highlight of my life). I got to use a nose scope and look up a patient's nose for polyps, sores, etc (again you're probably wondering how any of this is exciting). He's also been teaching me things as we see different cases, and even quizzes me sometimes (which to my surprise I have been able to answer his questions). We have a medical student currently volunteering who wants to go into osteopathic medicine and he's always offering advice and insight, as well as a resident who offers input. Oh and I got to do my first 12 lead EKG this past week. I can't even find words to describe how grateful and excited I am for these experiences. We get patients with anything ranging from an infected dog bite to something as severe as AIDS, and I get to see it all firsthand.

I've been loving the case management aspect of this job as well. I got to meet with my first behavioral health client this week. She's a couple years older than my mom, and here she is, putting her hope in my abilities to help her find a way to pay for her rent and utilities that are being shut off. "They shut off my gas today." All I could do was give her the numbers to call and tell her we were going to figure it out and get it taken care of (which I also had to convince myself of). I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that as a case manager, people are basically directly depending on me. (Kudos to my social work friends- i.e. Heather. How do you do it??). Nonetheless I'm loving it, especially because I get to learn what the patients are struggling with outside of their doctor visits. I get to learn about their situation, and put the pieces together about why their health is the way it is. So many times, have I heard patients say, "Well, it's gotten so bad because I ran out of my medicine and couldn't afford to get it refilled." Or, "I didn't have a way to get here."

One value the Jesuit volunteer community strives toward, is seeing God in all things. As I've said before, and as I'm sure you all know, it's easier at some times than others. Our roommate Chris lead spirituality night this past week (we take turns every week) and he challenged us to think back on a time this week where we saw God in an unexpected way, or at an unexpected time. As I listened to my roommates, tons of instances came flooding back to me, but one that stood out in particular, was where I least expected it. I was walking to the bus stop after work,  and noticed that I was overcome with joy and peace. Nothing particularly exciting happened that day- it was simply a joy and peace that only comes from God. But then the thought occurred to me that my time here is only temporary. Most of the time, that thought has the tendency of stealing my joy. This time however, for whatever reason, I realized I'm finally o.k. with knowing that this is temporary. All throughout college I was constantly worrying; what's gonna happen when this test is over? When this class ends? When this money is gone? When this time runs out? When we graduate? I knew I wasn't supposed to worry, but I could just never let go of it so that God's peace about his plan for my life could land somewhere. My junior and senior year of college, my roommate Erin used to cite John 10:10 a lot- "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." She would always strive to live her life this way, and I always understood what she meant, but I felt I could never quite get there for some reason. My bridges were burned. I never really realized how much the worry was holding me back from having this full life that Jesus gave me. In that moment, I realized that finally, after all those prayers and all the pleading with God, He finally helped me let go of worry, find joy and peace in God's present moment, have life, and have it to the full.

Anyway, I'm sure you're probably wondering what my housemates and I have been doing when we're not working and trying to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. We've had a chance to go to some great free concerts (Craig Morgan and All American Rejects), have dinner with some really great people who have some connection with JVC (which I'm finding out is about 90% of the world, it seems like everyone in JVC knows everyone), lots of popcorn movie nights (Bethesda, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing your part to keep the popcorn companies in business), a couple nights out on the town, and we've been cooking up a storm! I've been making homemade vegetable soup, hummus, granola bars, homemade spaghetti sauce, black bean burgers, and tons more. I love that I've had so much time to cook things from scratch. My roommate Allie is an excellent baker and has been taking care of our baked goods like bread, cookies, basically all the important stuff. Morgen also loves to cook and has made some really delicious dinners. Chris is...well, he's learning, and definitely excited to learn how to cook more things and it's been fun getting to teach him some stuff. I taught him how to make sauce the other day. My housemates are trying to eat predominately vegetarian meals because it's a simpler, more eco-friendly way of living (which is obviously no problem for me), so that's been somewhat of an adventure too. We got to check out some really fun thrift stores and flea markets, and we're finally getting comfortable roaming around the city. We're really looking forward to exploring some more. It's hard to believe we've only been here for 3 weeks and have so much more to experience! Oh and I finally got my MCAT score! It looks pretty good. I'm right in the competitive range for the schools I'm applying to, so prayers that the medical schools will pick me and for my continued discernment would be greatly appreciated! And thank you all for all your prayers and support- I literally could not have done this without that. God has certainly been providing through all this. Anyway, my wonderful housemates took me out to dinner to celebrate that with me- which I was not expecting at all. Anyway, now we are looking to an extra day off tomorrow! Hope you all have a wonderful, relaxing, fun, safe Labor day!

More to come very soon! 

Peace and joy, 

Heidi