My so far year in pictures

 Last day of JVC orientation- the start of being "Ruined for Life."

Allie, Me, Morgen, and Chris on the last day, in our second outfit for the send off service

First meal at our table: Eggplant Parmesan. Left to right: Chris, Allie, Morgen

 

A preview from the inside- yes that is painted above the door.

 

Our swamp house :) (Note the bird's nest in the lamp post)

First day at the City Market (Local Farmers Market where we shop) with Allie, Me, Morgen, and Celia (Celia is one of the former JVs who lived in the KC house last year.)

Chris, me, Morgen, and Allie at the women's rights march in KC

We got pretty into it

Hosting our potluck to get to know all the families/JVC support people in the area

During our fall retreat with the St. Louis community. Such a great time.

Morgen and I at her Legal Aid fall company picnic

In Tonganoxie, Kansas- having dinner with the Dean family- a wonderful JVC support family!

One of many trips to the city market, getting pumpkins to carve this time!

Dressed up for Halloween and waiting in line outside to get our $2 burritos at Chipotle. As Allie would say: "The things we do for cheap food." #sotrue

The ladies- Three blind mice?

Community Livin'

I've been thinking a lot about the types of people that inspire me lately, and I've come to realize that I don't find inspiration in "really smart" people, "really good" people, or even "really holy" people. My inspiration comes from the people who have been unjustly cast into the margins. It comes from my clients who tell me that they're "still standing" despite the fact that they're sleeping in parks and hopping from homeless shelter to homeless shelter. It comes from the kids I tutor who go to bed without dinner but can still find the hope to aspire to be nurses, doctors, teachers, and scientists when they grow up. It is so much more moving to me to hear one of my clients in the midst of their troubles say the words "love never fails," or "I still have hope." How beautiful is it to see someone who has felt cast into the margins their whole life finally discover that they are wholly accepted, perfectly loved, and cared about? This is why I am doing what I am doing - because I cling to the hope that this is what I'm working for; that people will discover they are, as Fr Gregory Boyle says "wholly accepted."
            One of my clients recently had a major depressive episode, and almost committed suicide. She is a recovered drug addict for quite some time now and has raised 3 kids who are crazy about her. However she found herself alone one Friday night, and negative thoughts began to flood her consciousness. All I could do was listen, tell her I was glad she came in to talk to her therapist and me, and that we were going get her back on her feet. She's currently waiting for a court date that will determine whether or not she will receive disability, and in the meantime is having her utilities shut off. To give her a small glimmer of the hope she so deserves, I helped her make plans about how she can budget when she starts getting disability income, and try to find other agencies in Kansas City that will help her with her utility bills. It's easy to forget about the hope that lies ahead when you're in the middle of a storm. Some of my clients and patients have been so abused by the system, people of power, and even by their own family members, that they just can't see that 'hope does not disappoint us'. I find my inspiration in these people because they have been asked to carry a heavier burden than most of us have been asked to carry, and I think they do a better job of carrying it than I ever could. Jesus tells us that they are, just as much as you and I are, the light of the world. "I like even more what Jesus doesn't say. He doesn't say, 'One day, if you are more perfect and try really hard, you'll be light.' He doesn't say, 'If you play by the rules, cross your T's and dot your I's, then maybe you'll become light.' No. He says straight out, 'You are light.'" (Fr Greg Boyle). This is what I try to keep at the forefront of my mind when I work with my clients and patients at the clinic, because I want to make sure my eyes and ears are open to what God is showing me through them. I love what Sister Elaine Roulette says when asked "How do you work with the poor?" She says, "You don't. You share your life with the poor." Fr Greg Boyle continues to say- "It's as basic as crying together. It's about casting your lot before you ever try to change their lot." They are light to me, just as much as I am light to them, and we look the same in God's eyes.

A couple weeks ago my roommates and I took a road trip to St. Louis for the JVC weekend fall retreat, and stayed with the St. Louis community and got to hang out with them. Ever since I can remember I've loved road trips. There's something about being cramped together in a car with music playing, driving down a road beautifully decorated with brightly colored orange, red and yellow tree leaves that just washes over my soul. There's no better way to bond with people than to cram into a tiny car for 4 hours. The retreat focused around the JVC value of community (imagine that) and they squeezed us dry of our reflections on community living. Our community of 4 is pretty much on the same page with a lot of the important stuff (like spirituality, social justice, etc.) but somewhat different on very little things, like music, quiet hours, etc (though we did come to a mutual agreement on all those things). I think my biggest mistake coming into JVC, was thinking I was an expert on community living. Most of you reading this probably know I lived in an intentional community with 8 girls in college for 2 years. As much as I believe that means I have my PhD in community living, there are still things I don't know. Although I've been able to bring some past experiences, wisdom, etc. from Bethesda to Lazarus, my Lazarus community is in many ways very different from Bethesda, and I'm still learning about each of my community members, and even more about myself through them. We've experienced times of joy, frustration, exhaustion, laughter, and seriousness, and every one of these experiences has brought us closer together and helped us to understand the way each other's minds operate, so that we can meet each other where we're at. 

      One thing that both communities do have in common- our love of spontaneous dance parties. Bethesda is infamous for these. If a good song came on, and someone jumped on a chair in the midst of studying, you found a chair asap if you knew what was good for you, and created the most ridiculous dance moves possible. The other day, my community and I pulled into the driveway after grocery shopping just as a really good song came on. Chris and I brought in an armful of groceries and went back outside to help with the rest, only to discover that Allie and Morgen had started a dance party in the front yard of our swamp house; so like any good community members would do, Chris and I joined in. We danced like fools right in the front yard of our house. These are the moments I will remember forever. It was a moment of joyful carefree laughter for the simple reason of being. It's times like this that give us the strength and patience to get through the tough stuff. And I am confident that our neighbors are thoroughly scared of us.

Side note: In the spirit of Halloween, we carved pumpkins on community night. 

I carved this one- it's the JVC symbol for community living

Our community on the front steps with our pumpkins

Left to right: Me, Cort (one of our support people), Chris, and Cindy (our other support person)

Morgen is taking the picture

          As I've said before, we have been so blessed with such an incredibly loving, welcoming community outside of our home. The Jesuits have been such a source of support and wisdom, (not to mention humor) and on Sundays we've found ourselves staying later and later after brunch, chatting with them about anything and everything. It's like having a house full of brothers, dads, grandpas, and uncles right down the street (although mine are obviously irreplaceable). There's another a family who has been an incredible blessing to us, and the love and support they've shown us is beyond words. We've shared meals with them, experienced the best ice cream in Kansas City, and they invited us to their home for dinner and a game night. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in front of people I barely knew. There was a moment when I was sitting at their table, and just completely felt God's love because I did nothing to deserve their kindness. They could have had anyone else sitting around their table, and they chose to have us there. It made no difference to them where we came from, what our families were like, or what we had accomplished, but they were glad for the fact that we were simply us. They had an extra ticket to a symphony, and out of all the people they know, chose to ask us if one of us wanted to go. As much as I'm missing my family right now,  I know I can speak for our community when I say we have a home away from home. Though our jobs can be stressful and heartbreaking at times, I can rest assured every day that I am going home to my community, and that we are surrounded by even more love and support.
           

Lovin' Simple Livin'

Since I started JVC, I've had the sense that there is a misunderstanding of the "simple living" value. To give you an idea of what I mean, I was talking to one of my co-workers about our budget and stipend. His response: "So you all are living poor for a year, for nothing?" There was pity on his face, and I can only imagine what he was thinking, "Poor girl, how'd she get suckered into this." But I think when he saw the amused look on my face he realized the words that just came out of his mouth. He preceded to correct himself, "Well not for nothing, but you know what I'm saying?" Despite my burning desire to get on my soapbox, (because I knew he meant well, and was more concerned about my well being than anything) I gently explained that we are nowhere near living in poverty, and that we live simply. And this was not the first or only occurrence that inspired me to write this blog. I've talked to many people, who see our way of living as "inferior" to theirs.

So what does it mean to live simply? I think it has to start with realizing the difference between what we want, and what we need. And let's admit, that's easier said than done. About two weeks to the end of last month, we ran out of butter, and we didn't have time to get more until the following week. Unfortunately, we needed other groceries by the end of the week, and since we were at the end of our food budget, there was no room for butter. So instead of chucking bread and milk off of our grocery list, and after a long serious discussion, we came to the tragic conclusion that we would go another week without butter. You know what happened? Nothing. We survived. And it gave me more insight on how to live simply. During the week, while I was eating my dry toast and plain popcorn, (not at the same time) I was reflecting on what it must have been like during the depression, that some of our families actually experienced. In fact, I was thinking of what it must be like in some of my clients' households who can't even afford groceries. And then I really liked that dry toast. I really liked it. Proverbs 27 tells us "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet." I'm not "going hungry," but I am trying to get rid of things that get in the way of having a grateful heart. 

I've always been a pretty healthy eater, but simple eating has been even better than conscious healthy eating. My diet has consisted of plain oatmeal (it's cheap, nutritious, and filling), all kinds of grains, and I have been trying to eat more of a "raw" vegetarian diet (instead of cooking and using gas/electricity). My community and I try to eat beans and rice a couple times a week for dinner (which with the right spices, can be quite delectable). Not only are we saving money and reducing our impact on the environment, but I feel great. For the past year or so, I have been struggling with running and getting my pace back to what it was when I qualified for Boston. I'm not sure what happened- maybe I was missing some nutrient, or just not being health conscious enough, but running became a physical struggle, and as you all know, I am in love with running. It is my medicine. My go to when I don't know where to go. Anyway, since I've started JVC, when I go for long runs, I lose track of how far I've gone. For the first time in forever I got my pace down to 6:30 during a 3 mile run yesterday, and would have gone longer if I wasn't pressed for time, because it finally felt good. I think God created us to operate optimally on the bare minimum so that we could have more time and energy for Him and the things He created us to do. 

Aside from a simple diet, we've also eliminated paper products from our household. Instead of using napkins and paper towels, we use our sleeves....just kidding. We've learned to use hand towels and dish cloths. We try to consciously take shorter showers, and use less electricity when we can. We reuse containers to store leftovers (like butter containers :)) and of course the obvious one, we reuse grocery bags. I also really like that Allie always seems to know the best things to buy local/Fair Trade. We try to buy free range eggs, local honey, fair trade coffee and tea, and we shop at the local City Market for produce. I've been biking to and from work, and sometimes I even run home (I'm pretty sure my co-workers think I'm strange).

So now you can see why I'm so flabbergasted when people think JVC is living poor. We are filthy rich in the very decision we have to live this way every day. The other day, Allie and I were tutoring a couple of the kids she works with at Operation Breakthrough. Operation Breakthrough is a daycare/family social work service for families who can't afford day care, rent, food, etc. Anyway, Allie was working with a first grade boy on telling time. Allie read one of the questions to him off the worksheet, "What time do you eat dinner?" "We don't eat dinner." He responded. That sentence is forever ingrained in my mind. The people we work with have no other options. They can't just make a decision. And that is the difference between poverty, and simplicity.

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. 
Philippians 3:8

Bridging the gap

I'm so excited to be blogging again for the first time in about 3 weeks! As most of you can relate, life got crazy. 


Working on med school applications on top of a full time job, networking with people through JVC, being part of a community (which entails about the same commitment as being married), and trying to find time for myself has made September feel like the blink of an eye. Some days I leave the house before 8 and don't get back until after 10. It's like college never ended. That being said, our main concern at this time is avoiding burnout. 

 As stressful as it can get, my job brings me so much joy. Working with my clients has caused me to become increasingly more frustrated with our economy, big business, and money in general (as if everyone isn't already). One of my clients is in the process of getting disability, but in the mean time can't pay rent or bills. Out of the 20+ resources I've looked up and called to see if any of them could provide rent or utility assistance, all have been short on funds. It saddens me greatly that these  organizations trying to provide services for those in dire need are shutting down programs because they're short on funding; all the while the NFL referees are going on strike because they want more money for watching a game. Anyway, this isn't a vent session, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

 Working as a medical assistant has opened so many opportunities to help people in the most unexpected ways. During basic check-ups, I've encountered a homeless patient who I was able to connect with our case management services; another patient at high risk of a stroke refused to go to the emergency room because she was behind on bills and couldn't afford to miss work. The doctor's response: "Well honey, you can miss work forever because you're dead, or you can miss work for a day." (and he said that in the most loving way, I promise). Fortunately, we could refer her to our case management services so she could get help with her bills. I am continually humbled that I am in a position to "bridge the gap" between the under served and those with the resources to help them. It has given me the capacity to love, understand, and care for others beyond my comprehension. It's something I will carry with me if I become a doctor, and help me to serve my patients with an understanding of their perspective, and with more tools to help them. 

This past week at the clinic has been one of the most interesting this month. For starters, I watched a pap smear...with no preparation for what I was walking into. One of the physician assistants peeked her head out of the exam room door, and since I was the lucky soul standing nearby: "Heidi- could you assist me really quick?" so I gave my usual response to any task asked of me at the clinic: "ABSOLUTELY!" This was not the kind of task that you give that kind of answer for, but I was blind-sighted. She just needed me to hold the light so she could see what she was doing- but that was a situation I was literally thrown into that I wasn't prepared for in any way. I was with a complete stranger who was in a vulnerable state, and I was expected to be professional, cool, calm, and collected, as if it were an every day occurrence. Believe it or not, I am grateful for that experience. I had no choice but to act as if I see this all the time (which someday if I become a doctor I probably will). It put me out of my comfort zone, but forced me to adapt immediately; and that, is what the medical field is all about...not to mention life in general. 

That's basically how it goes down at the clinic- you never know what to expect from one day to the next. Luckily I work with an amazing staff of people who already consider me "an old hat around the clinic." I feel as though I've been working there for years.

Other than work- community life has been wonderfully chaotic. We've been networking a lot. One night we had the Jesuit provincial over to our house for dinner, as well as a volunteer group called the Alumni Service Corps (which is similar to JVC).

We also had the chance to network with some teach for America Volunteers. TFA volunteers work in some of the most broken down public school systems throughout the country. While both of our causes are for social justice, it was interesting to see how our lifestyles are vastly different. Teach for America Volunteers, recieve a teacher's salary. In my opinion, for a single 20-something fresh out of college in our economy, that's gold. It was an odd feeling at first trying to socialize and relate to people out of the "JVC culture." I don't consider us to truly be categorized in the lower class, because we aren't living anywhere near poverty, and we're doing this by choice, but we're used to living and working in the same neighborhoods as our clients, not to mention the people we usually hang out with are Jesuits, nuns, and JVC support families (I fear I won't know how to act around people my age when I'm out of the JVC bubble). When I was standing in their modern, tastefully decorated apartment, I felt out of place. I forgot there was a such thing as matching furniture and stainless steel kitchens. I don't condemn having these things, but I feel like I got a taste of what the gap looks like from the other side. It was as if I were seeing through the eyes of someone else. Right now, with the view I have, I wouldn't mind living in the "swamp house" for the rest of my life; as long as I get to be involved in what God is doing. I feel like I'm living Paul's words in Philippians 4: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

We also had dinner with the Sisters of Charity again. It has been such a blessing to share a meal with these ladies. They are always full of stories, pizazz, and love.They're a group of nuns who live in community, and they remind me a lot of the intentional community I lived in when I was in college. They have this ability to have fun at any moment and live each day like there's reason to celebrate. I aspire to always live my life with as much joy, celebration, and love as they do.

Looking back on all these experiences- I've noticed a recurring theme- I am bridging the gap between those who have and those who have not. This theme is imperative not only to what I'm doing right now, but what I'll eventually be doing if I become a doctor. In order to serve my patients I need to bridge the gap of trust and understanding that has been created in the medical field. And I know I don't stand alone as a bridge. I'm talking about the researchers studying pathways of illnesses to bridge the gap between science and healing. Case managers who bridge the gap between structural violence and hope. To the teachers who bridge the gap between students and their future. Sure bridges get walked on, but there is no comparison to how much more we gain being a bridge.

You've probably heard enough for now, and I have a date with my roommates and a chick flick.

Rejoice,
Heidi

Thankful for a simple week

What a week! But then again, It seems every week I get to Sunday, think that thought, and then wonder, "What even made it so crazy?"

Our community had our first "electricity fast" this week. During electricity fasts, we try to go the whole day without using electricty (however since we did it on a weekday this time, we obviously used it while we were at work). Here's how it went: I woke up, and then- EPIC FAIL. As though it were any other day, half-asleep I climbed down from my spot on the top-bunk, went into the bathroom, flipped on the light, went about my routine, made coffee, flipped on the dining room light, and started reading my daily devotion; until Chris walked into the dining room- "Good morning Heidi! The light is on.." He said matter of factly. I stared at him for a moment, wondering why he was stating this clearly obvious fact- "Oh shoot!" I scrambled for the light, and then the coffee pot, stopping those evil flowing electrons right in their tracks. Lucklily, I was better about remembering for the rest of the day, but my point is how it's so crazy that using electricity has become so second nature to me I literally didn't even think about what I was doing. I didn't think twice about being able to turn a light on so I could see what I looked like before I left the house, or conveniently make coffee when I woke up. On top of that we still had working phones, clocks, etc. in case of anything. We still had the prilege of knowing what time it was so we could be on time for work, our refrigerator still worked so we didn't have to worry about our food going bad, and we had comfort in knowing that when we woke up the next morning, we would be flipping lights on and using the microwave all over again. Later that night my community ate a "simple meal" of beans and rice, (so that we wouldn't actually have to use the fridge) and by about 8:00 p.m. we weren't sure what to do with ourselves other than go to bed; despite that we did stay up and talk in the dark for a while. That ended up being one of the highlights of my week. We chattered about our days, about the upcoming week, we laughed together, and we even sat in the dark silence, simply enjoying each other's presence. The more I strip myself of material things and conveniences, the more I find I really don't need some of them. In fact, that I really don't want some of them.
That day I also couldn't help but to think about my client who just had her utilities shut off. Completely. All of them. Sure, keeping the lights off in my own house isn't helping her, but it helped me to understand what she's dealing with, (on a much smaller scale of course) and feel her frustration. I think that in some way that's how God works too- I find that after I've been through some sort of storm, God brings me to someone experiencing something of the same nature, (or vice versa) because only then, after we've been through something ourselves and have been brought through it by God, can we possibly understand what another person is going through, or how to help them. "God comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too." -2 Co 1 3-5 (The Message).

At the clinic this week I had the opportunity to sit in on a lecture with the therapists I work with about psychoanalysis. The speaker lectured on how mental barriers of some of our clients stop them from "cooperating" with healthcare personell. She stressed the importance of having the ability to simply understand that these barriers exist, and not to think of the clients as "uncooperative" but as in need of help getting over this barrier before any of their other problems can be taken care of. The point I'm getting at is that I had a moment where I was just sitting there in awe of the fact that as a hopeful aspiring doctor, I got to be part of this lecture. It's so incredibly important for anyone who wants to go into the medical field to be able to understand the mental health and socieconomic status of their patients in order to really understand how to help them. Once again, another reason why KC Free is the definition of treating the whole person.

After being in JVC for almost a month, I've told everyone I've talked to how incredibly grateful I am for this experience- and every time, I am taken aback by their response "Well we're really grateful that you've given up a year of your life to do this." I was talking to my roommate Allie about this, and she hit the nail right on the head by saying, "We haven't given up anything." It's so true. I've gained so much from this experience already. Not only am I noticing more of the little joys in life, but it's the little things that bring me the greatest joy- like sitting on the front porch with a warm bowl of homemade vegetable soup listening to the rain fall, riding my bike to work, cooking from scratch, sitting in the dark with my community, the smell of candles, sunflowers in mason jars on our dining room table. I've had the chance to focus completely on what really matters and what's most important through experiencing the hardships of others. I've gained more relationships, friendships, community, family, support etc. in one month than I know how to handle, and I get to do what God has given me the passion to do. I've been more thankful with less than I have ever been in my life.

Thanks for listening!
Rejoice,
Heidi

Religion and Spirituality

Something that has been tugging at me, ever since I started JVC, is this whole idea of "religion and spirituality." It is something I have always avoided. I don't mean I've avoided them altogether, I just avoided putting them together. It's funny though, how God usually corners me when I try to avoid things.
Since I've joined JVC, I've been asked countless times if I'm catholic. My responses: "Er, well, kind of." "I was, but not really anymore." "Well I'm a christian." "Well I have a relationship with Jesus." For those of you who don't know all about my "spiritual journey" (and I promise this will be short and vague) I grew up in the catholic church until about 6th grade. Up to that point, I understood God as a distant ruler that I had to listen to if I wanted to go to heaven. I had to pray the rosary this many times, I had to memorize the Our Father, I had to go to church on Sundays, I had to make my First Holy Communion, and I had to be Catholic, because that was how I was going to get to heaven. Needless to say, starting high school, I had a sour taste in my mouth about the whole idea of "religion."  I then started going to more of a "protestant" type church (mind you, I hate labels, but for the sake of explanation, I'm using them). I made some really great friends my freshman year who were part of a really great youth group, and throughout the rest of my time in high school, I grew closer to God, and learned that this whole thing is about knowing and following Jesus Christ. I realized I wanted God to be part of my every day and everything. I wanted Him in my music, in my running, in my school work, family, etc. I got baptized again as an act of obedience and of my commitment to God and following him with my life, and it's been an amazing journey since then.
In the meantime, I'd been able to avoid the religion question, and I still had this sour taste in my mouth about Catholicism. When I joined JVC, I had no idea how catholic it really was; I just knew that I identified with the four values (spirituality, community, simple living, and social justice) and I figured most people would identify with me in those important ways. In the couple months I've been in JVC, I'm learning that my idea of Catholicism was very skewed. I thought it was too religous, too routine, too traditional, too conservative, and I thought that it didn't focus on knowing God and following Jesus with our lives. Boy was I wrong. Most of the Catholics I've met in JVC are very intimate with God, and have a very intimate understanding of the bible. The Jesuits and nuns are very progressive (and awesome) and they are out loving people and doing the work of Jesus and spreading his word. They have played a huge part in my new understanding of the Catholic faith, and I'm so thankful for their involvement in my life and my Kansas City community. Father Jim Collins, a senior Jesuit who spoke at our JVC orientation, told us that it is good to be able to take spirituality and religion apart, but we should also be able to put it back together. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the second part, but for now, I'm learning that the Catholic Church is a place where I can meet with God. It is a place where I can sing to Him, pray, hear His word, grow closer to Him, and be in community. It is a place filled with amazing people, broken people, confused people, weak, strong, and all of the above ragamuffin people who are just like me, working for God's kingdom. There are still things I don't understand about the Catholic Church, questions I still have to ask, and things I disagree with until I get more answers. For now, my response to the religion question will still probably be "I just follow Jesus." Or somewhere along the lines of that- but that's only because life, (at least mine anyway) doesn't have simple yes or no answers. It doesn't come in a pretty square box neatly wrapped with a bow. It looks more like if I were to try to wrap a fishing pole with a blindfold on.
"It is not good to have zeal without knowledge; nor be hasty and miss the way." Proverbs 19:2

Having life to the full

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed with them by oath." -Deuteronomy 4:29-31

Something I think is easy to forget to do, is to reflect back on where God was in my day. Sure there are times when it comes easily, and He so clearly reveals himself, but there are also instances where it seems like He stands back in silence, waiting to see if I'll realize what just happened. Monday was one of the times where it was easiest. I had a great day at the clinic (as usual). I've gotten to know one of the volunteer doctors pretty well. He's quite a character and extremely attentive to his patients (he even recruited me to sing happy birthday with him to one of his patients). He knows I want to go into the medical field so he's always welcoming me to observe exams, teaching me things, or calling me over to see what a patient with an extreme case of osteoporosis looks like. This week he showed me how to do a diabetic foot exam, (tests the nerves in the feet) so I got to do that on one of the patients (I know it doesn't sound glamorous, but for someone who wants to go into the medical field getting to be a doctor's sidekick is pretty much the highlight of my life). I got to use a nose scope and look up a patient's nose for polyps, sores, etc (again you're probably wondering how any of this is exciting). He's also been teaching me things as we see different cases, and even quizzes me sometimes (which to my surprise I have been able to answer his questions). We have a medical student currently volunteering who wants to go into osteopathic medicine and he's always offering advice and insight, as well as a resident who offers input. Oh and I got to do my first 12 lead EKG this past week. I can't even find words to describe how grateful and excited I am for these experiences. We get patients with anything ranging from an infected dog bite to something as severe as AIDS, and I get to see it all firsthand.

I've been loving the case management aspect of this job as well. I got to meet with my first behavioral health client this week. She's a couple years older than my mom, and here she is, putting her hope in my abilities to help her find a way to pay for her rent and utilities that are being shut off. "They shut off my gas today." All I could do was give her the numbers to call and tell her we were going to figure it out and get it taken care of (which I also had to convince myself of). I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that as a case manager, people are basically directly depending on me. (Kudos to my social work friends- i.e. Heather. How do you do it??). Nonetheless I'm loving it, especially because I get to learn what the patients are struggling with outside of their doctor visits. I get to learn about their situation, and put the pieces together about why their health is the way it is. So many times, have I heard patients say, "Well, it's gotten so bad because I ran out of my medicine and couldn't afford to get it refilled." Or, "I didn't have a way to get here."

One value the Jesuit volunteer community strives toward, is seeing God in all things. As I've said before, and as I'm sure you all know, it's easier at some times than others. Our roommate Chris lead spirituality night this past week (we take turns every week) and he challenged us to think back on a time this week where we saw God in an unexpected way, or at an unexpected time. As I listened to my roommates, tons of instances came flooding back to me, but one that stood out in particular, was where I least expected it. I was walking to the bus stop after work,  and noticed that I was overcome with joy and peace. Nothing particularly exciting happened that day- it was simply a joy and peace that only comes from God. But then the thought occurred to me that my time here is only temporary. Most of the time, that thought has the tendency of stealing my joy. This time however, for whatever reason, I realized I'm finally o.k. with knowing that this is temporary. All throughout college I was constantly worrying; what's gonna happen when this test is over? When this class ends? When this money is gone? When this time runs out? When we graduate? I knew I wasn't supposed to worry, but I could just never let go of it so that God's peace about his plan for my life could land somewhere. My junior and senior year of college, my roommate Erin used to cite John 10:10 a lot- "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." She would always strive to live her life this way, and I always understood what she meant, but I felt I could never quite get there for some reason. My bridges were burned. I never really realized how much the worry was holding me back from having this full life that Jesus gave me. In that moment, I realized that finally, after all those prayers and all the pleading with God, He finally helped me let go of worry, find joy and peace in God's present moment, have life, and have it to the full.

Anyway, I'm sure you're probably wondering what my housemates and I have been doing when we're not working and trying to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. We've had a chance to go to some great free concerts (Craig Morgan and All American Rejects), have dinner with some really great people who have some connection with JVC (which I'm finding out is about 90% of the world, it seems like everyone in JVC knows everyone), lots of popcorn movie nights (Bethesda, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing your part to keep the popcorn companies in business), a couple nights out on the town, and we've been cooking up a storm! I've been making homemade vegetable soup, hummus, granola bars, homemade spaghetti sauce, black bean burgers, and tons more. I love that I've had so much time to cook things from scratch. My roommate Allie is an excellent baker and has been taking care of our baked goods like bread, cookies, basically all the important stuff. Morgen also loves to cook and has made some really delicious dinners. Chris is...well, he's learning, and definitely excited to learn how to cook more things and it's been fun getting to teach him some stuff. I taught him how to make sauce the other day. My housemates are trying to eat predominately vegetarian meals because it's a simpler, more eco-friendly way of living (which is obviously no problem for me), so that's been somewhat of an adventure too. We got to check out some really fun thrift stores and flea markets, and we're finally getting comfortable roaming around the city. We're really looking forward to exploring some more. It's hard to believe we've only been here for 3 weeks and have so much more to experience! Oh and I finally got my MCAT score! It looks pretty good. I'm right in the competitive range for the schools I'm applying to, so prayers that the medical schools will pick me and for my continued discernment would be greatly appreciated! And thank you all for all your prayers and support- I literally could not have done this without that. God has certainly been providing through all this. Anyway, my wonderful housemates took me out to dinner to celebrate that with me- which I was not expecting at all. Anyway, now we are looking to an extra day off tomorrow! Hope you all have a wonderful, relaxing, fun, safe Labor day!

More to come very soon! 

Peace and joy, 

Heidi

Lots of Firsts

 This week has been full of firsts. My housemates and I had our first community night- a night during the week that we intentionally set aside to spend time with each other. Our "support team" came over to facilitate and help us figure out what we want from community nights and what we want them to look like. A little background on a JVC support team- each JVC community gets a different support team in their city. They welcome us (with lots of cookies and goodies) upon arrival, show us around the city, and basically act as a resource for any questions we might have or any help we might need. Cindy works in campus ministry at Rockhurst University, and Cortney works at KCUMB (ironically enough, one of the schools I applied to) as a graphic designer. Both of them volunteer themselves to support us throughout our year, for which we are incredibly thankful and blessed. Anyway, we did a daily EXAMEN together (which is baically just reflecting on our highest and lowest point in the week, and where we felt God the most and the least). I've definitely felt most near to God through all the people I've been meeting, and through my roommates. I've been asking God to help me see people through His eyes, and it's amazing how when I pray this seemingly simple prayer, that my capacity for love and compassion for others increases 100-fold, even in situations where it's hard to have love and understanding. I love learning about people and their backgrounds- when I'm listening to their stories, it's as if I'm learning how God made them and weaved their mind and heart together. I also feel incredibly close to God when working at KC Free. It's as though God has wired me to work in the medical field, and that it's not just a "calling" or something, but a passion that He has given me and allowed me to cultivate through my work, so it's just so easy to be thankful and praise him for that. Other than that, my lowest points have been in comparison- I have already developed the sense that I have some big shoes to fill as the new Jesuit Volunteer, (the previous volunteer was clearly dearly loved) but I continue to try to remind myself of the reason I'm here, and who I'm really working for. Matthew 25:40 has especially brought me comfort these past couple of weeks starting this new job: "'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
It was also really great to be able to hear my roommates highs and lows, get to understand them more, and in some cases, be able to relate to each other. We all decided that we want our community nights to be a time where we can let down our inhibitions, step out of our comfort zones, and be able to laugh at ourselves and each other. We've found that times we have formed the closest bonds have been times where we had to let ourselves be raw and vulnerable - i.e. learning how to contra dance, getting the flu, and riding in the car to KC for almost 9 hours together after a week of 12 hour days. I think these are going to be great community nights.

Another first for this week- I got assigned my first behavioral health client! I will be assessing this client to find out her needs, help her find resources, and sit in on her therapy and psychiatry appointments. I get to meet with her next week for the first time, and I'm really nervous but so excited at the same time. I've been really antsy to finally get my own clients after I've been shadowing the other case managers the past couple weeks. I also sat in on a therapy session for a very seriously mentally ill client for the first time. This person had very little ability to distinguish delusion from reality, and extreme paranoia, but the person was aware that they had a mental illness and unable to distinguish reality from their own delusion. I couldn't imagine being in that situation. I share this because once again, I realize I'm not going to fix this problem, but my heart has really been going out to some of these people. They just want to get their lives on track, and feel normal. I often find myself writing them down in my journal and just praying over them, because at this point, that's all I can do. That and just be where God wants me to be.

On Wednesday our community had our first of many dinners with some sisters who live in community in Kansas City, Kansas. They've invited us over for dinner every month for the rest of the year. Amazing ladies- they are so fun, and hilarious. Some things I'm learning about the jesuit community and sisters- they totally contradict any stereotypes I assume people have (because I definitely did) about Jesuit priests and nuns. They are some of the most fun, goofy people I've met, and I've found myself relating to their personalities. The sisters made us dinner and the most amazing dessert, told us some fun things to do in KC, and told us of their adventure acting out a scenario for one of their friends who was nervous for her first time traveling on a plane. I am really looking forward to all the meals we will be sharing with them for the rest of the year.

Finally, I went to my first march today, for women's equality. It was amazing. I got to learn more about all the non-profit aid services offered to women and mothers in KC, but most of all, I heard many of the struggles women face in our economy today. We got to hear the real stories of young single mothers who are struggling to provide for and raise their children. One of the biggest struggles these mothers are facing is the vicious circle of poverty. If a woman is recieving TANF (temporary assitance for needy families) because she is making $8.00 an hour, and she gets a $0.25 raise, she loses her TANF, meaning childcare, healthcare, food stamps, or whatever other aid she might have been recieving from TANF. As you can imagine, $0.25 is not enough to cover all those expenses, making her take two steps backward from the one step she took forward with the raise.
Overall, it was such a motivating, empowering experience, and I'm really glad I had the privelege to hear their stories. It also helped me remember I'm part of a bigger picture, and a bigger community from what I see firsthand from day to day.

Also as a quick side note- I'm really proud of myself for figuring out the KCTA (Kansas City transit...association?) After living in Chicago for four years and using the CTA for so long, it was frustrating living in a new city and not knowing my way around. I just want to be able to leave the house and know how to get to a certain street without having to look up directions! I'm definitely out of my comfort zone in that way (go figure coming from Chicago). As much as I am loving Kansas City, I really miss the culture of Chicago, and using my Chicago skills (Chicagoans you get me right?). Kansas City is such a driving city. Sometimes it seems like no one lives here because there are rarely people out walking anywhere, especially downtown, and it seems to be so countercultural to ride the bus, walk, or bike (which my housemates and I do all of anyway). Another thing I've also noticed, is that sadly, this city is very segregated. I am aware that Chicago has it's flaws, and there is defintely still discrimination that goes on, but it is definitely not segregated the way Kansas City is. Troost Ave (a block from our house) used to be a racial dividing line, but it seems that line never truely went away. It's frustrating to get funny looks when I ride the bus, or go for a run in a certain direction, and it's definitely been interesting to see the differences in neighborhoods. Some of our JVC support families have been encouraging us to immerse ourselves in the neighborhoods that our clientelle at our organizations live, which could mean going east to McDonalds for ice cream, instead of West to Yogurtini, if you catch my drift.

That's all for now! Thanks for listening!

Rejoice,
Heidi

Processing

It feels good to have officially survived my first week of work- actually I'm not gonna say I survived, but that I thrived (Bridesmaids anyone?). I'm going to continue to talk about how much I love working at this clinic. It's really a unique place in that it seems like every employee lives out their mission statement every day. It's such a breath of fresh air to see these social workers, therapists, psychiatrists, nurses, doctors, etc. treating their patients with dignity and the utmost respect, both to their face and behind closed doors. Too many times at other hospitals have I overheard medical professionals badmouthing their patients as though they are undeserving of medical care, whereas at this clinic I overhear the medical professionals talking about their patients as if they're family members. This is exactly the kinds of place I hope to work for my whole life. I also love the people I work with. Something they've all been telling me, and something I've also been experiencing firsthand, is that when working at a place like this, you need to have a sense of humor. They're always playing little pranks on each other and teasing and joking (yes, even the doctors and psychiatrists)- so of course I fit right in....at least that's what I tell myself anyway ;)

The days go by SO quickly. From 9 to 12 I work in the medical part of the clinic, assessing patients before the doctor or other medical professional sees them, and in the afternoon I sit in with patients during psychiatry and therapy sessions working as a behavioral health case manager. For those of you who don't know, a behavioral health case manager acts somewhat as a liaison between the psychiatrist and the patient, and gets the patient whatever resources they might need. It has been an amazingly humbling experience. I'm 22 years old, and pretty much all of the patients are older than me, whether that's by two years or thirty years, and I'm well aware that some of them might not be okay with telling me all of their most personal business (although some of them are too okay with telling me more than I need to know). However, it has been quite an experience seeing, hearing, and experiencing some of the things that I've already come across this first week. I serve people who have experienced extreme financial hardship, homelessness, sexual, mental, and physical abuse, and so much more. During clinical assessments it takes all I have to take down the notes with no reaction, and remain as professional and confident as I can be, while inside I'm feeling their pain. I'm confident that as I get more experience this will become easier, but being thrown into this so quickly has been a bit of a shock- but a good shock nonetheless. I feel like I'm being told "Here's this population that most people don't even know about, and you're going to serve them and learn all about everything they're going through firsthand." It's experiences like this that fuel my passion and desire to become a doctor and push me even harder to put every ounce of my being into it. I want to bring hope to the people I serve. So many of them are in desperate, seemingly hopeless situations, and I want them to know what Paul says in Romans 5 and what I am so confident about, that "hope does not disappoint us." I know I'm not going to change the world and fix everyone's problems, but I am at least going to try to bring hope to the faces I get the privilege to see.

Aside from the clinic, my housemates and I have been enjoying some much needed down time (even though it is still very little). We've had a chance to have a few meals around our table together, talk about our jobs, our hopes for the year, our struggles, and provide each other with support. I'm really enjoying getting to know each of them even more- they are fascinating people, and the organizations they work for are incredible as well. Chris works at Donnelly College, where they provide affordable education for minority groups and those who might not be able to attend college. Morgan works at Legal Aid of Western Missouri where they provide legal services to individuals, families and groups faced with economic barriers in obtaining civil legal representation, and work on projects designed to concentrate services in areas of particular concern to the client community. And finally, Allie works at Operation Breakthrough, an incredible daycare that helps children who are living in poverty develop to their fullest potential by providing them a safe, loving and educational environment. They also support and empower the children's families through advocacy, referral services and emergency aid. (I took most of that from the organization's mission statements, but these places all really live out their missions every day). I really encourage you to type these places into your search browsers and check them out- they're so cool! Anyway, I keep forgetting to bring my camera memory card with me to the computer lab, but there are lots of pictures to come! Thanks for visiting!
Rejoice,
Heidi

Jumbled

This has been quite an interesting 2 months of my life. I am astounded by the things I have experienced thus far, the things God has been teaching me and the way He has taken care of me. My last couple weeks in Illinois were a whirlwind-I took the MCAT (thanks for your prayers, still waiting for scores! AHHHH), had to decide what to cram into 2 boxes and a suitcase to sustain my material life for the next year, (ok let's be real, until I come home during Christmas), and visited, celebrated, and said see you to some really amazing friends, who I can actually call my family (Bethesda and the three sisters). These few weeks made me realize I am missing little pieces of my heart, but some really special people and places are guarding those pieces.

All that being said, a chapter of my life has ended, and a new one has begun. I have been blown away by my JVC experience so far. Orientation week was in Indiana, at a retreat center in the middle of the woods- with literally (and I mean LITERALLY) no contact with the outside world- it was great. I did some trail running, contra dancing (look it up, and then try it, seriously), had lots of quiet time, lots of time praying and listening with God, reading my bible, and really learning about people. For those of you who don't know, the Jesuit Volunteer Corps is based on Ignatian Spirituality (it's a type of Catholic teaching). I learned more about the Jesuits, what they stand for (really awesome people, read up on them if you get a chance, and hang out with them), different ways of praying, listening, and got the chance to see the world from others' perspectives.

We discussed in depth the four values we as Jesuit Volunteers will try to grow in and embody this year, and hopefully carry with us into our lives. They are: spirituality, community, simple living, and social justice. My housemates and I are SO excited to grow together in these four values. Just for a little preview- We've so far had plenty of community bonding time, learning (quite in depth might I add) about each others lives at orientation, the eight and a half hour car ride to Kansas City, the flu (yup), cleaning the swamp house together (yup- just like it sounds), visiting each others work sites together before our first day, and being welcomed into this wonderful city by some amazing people who have astounded us with their generosity, hospitality, and love. We've already been given a key to the Jesuit Residence at Rockhurst University, where we have also been invited to brunch every Sunday (and oh my gosh the food is AMAZING, just like the company). Oh by the way parents, grandparents, etc, you can rest assured I am safe, our house is right across the street from Rockhurst University, where campus security patrols daily and nightly.

Some things we're excited about for simple living- we've decided to try to make as much food as possible from scratch (which so far has only been bread, but we've been here less than a week), not use paper products like towels, napkins, plates, etc (but we ARE using toilet paper, just so that's clear), we're obviously trying not to spend money on eating out, new clothes, etc, and later I'll put up pictures of our house and that will explain everything else related to simple living ;)

There is one more thing to touch on before I end this post (even though there is still so much more to tell, but I'll let everyone catch up on this before I write a novel) and that is my job. I am overjoyed by what I have the opportunity to do and the organization I have the privilege to be part of. For those of you who don't know, I am a patient assistant and behavioral health case manager at a free health clinic (KC Free). This organization is amazing. They serve the individuals in society who otherwise might fall through the cracks and not receive health care- that is, those with no insurance, those who have been refused insurance coverage, etc. They focus on the whole person, not just their health issues but any socioeconomic barriers people might encounter that could also affect their health. This place is in line with my views on health care to a T- or should I say mine is in line with theirs. They have health care services in general medicine, HIV prevention, primary care, behavioral health, and dentistry. They are the largest free health clinic in the country, with a full-time staff of 105, plus over 1,200 volunteers. Today was my first day, and I was just on top of the world. For the first part of my day I assess patients before they see the doctor (usually a volunteer doctor or resident from KU). I took their blood pressures, pulse, patient histories, urine tests, blood glucose, and that was just my first day.
There will be much more to come, and believe it or not I have only skimmed the surface of these past few weeks. I apologize this is all kind of thrown on the page in a jumble, but that is literally what I feel like right now- and my community and I are anxiously awaiting some much needed structure and routine (which still won't be much) that the next few weeks will finally fall into. Until next time!
Rejoice,
Heidi